Well, this happened some time ago, but it’s taken till now to write about it.
I am new to therapy. It’s taken some while to open up to a therapist, even with my generally open attitude to things. Seriously, ask me almost anything and I’m happy to talk about it. But there are a few things that will take a while for me to volunteer, not least because I don’t want to admit it to myself.
I had finally started opening up to my new therapist. Just started to admit things to them that I was barely able to admit to myself. The first twenty minutes of the session were about this kind of thing. Then I mentioned something that ruined everything. Two weeks previously I discovered that one of the friends I had met at university, a friend that I had gotten quite close to, shared the same therapist as me. I hadn’t mentioned this in the session I had immediately after discovering it because it’s not something that generally comes up easily in conversation and because my friend had stopped therapy with this therapist a few weeks earlier due to not feeling comfortable with them.
When I did mention it I was in a state of pre-crisis. I knew that the next week or so was going to be incredibly difficult because I was going to talk to my partner at the time about how I felt the relationship wasn’t working (and again, as in a previous post, I stress that this was not a fault of either of us). When I needed a therapist most, when I needed that support and help, I was let down in a horrible way. I told the therapist (Susan Raftery of Uxbridge) that I was building a strong friendship with this friend, and I was met with very accusative language. I mentioned early in the conversation that I hadn’t be quite forward with her the previous week because I hadn’t admitted to knowing this mutual aquaintance in the previous meeting, however the language that I received was very negative: “YOU haven’t been honest with me” “YOU have put ME in a very difficult position”. It was horribly negative, and accusative. “I will have to think about whether I can continue being your therapist” she said. Twenty minutes into the session I left in tears saying “there is nothing more to talk about”.
I understand conflict of interest. Kind of. I mean, it’s not that unusual for a therapist in a small town to have clients that know each other surely? What I really didn’t like was the incredibly negative and accusative talk. *We* hadn’t put her in any kind of position. We had no control over meeting each other. We had no control over happening to share the same therapist. So how the fuck were we to blame for anything that happened??
A week later the therapist called me and said “I cannot continue being your therapist”. To which I responded that I could not continue to be her client considering her reaction! She then called my friend (who was stood next to me at the time) and had a long conversation with her including such quality breaches of my confidentiality like telling her how many therapy sessions I had had, and pretty much accusing me (to my close friend) of lying about what had happened.
So I am no longer in therapy. Not only that, but I do not now feel like I can trust a therapist again. It will take a hell of a lot for me to be able to open up to a therapist, least of all trust that they will be there when I need them most. I have started free counselling at my university, but having someone to bitch at each week doesn’t come close to having someone who will help you explore, understand, and resolve deep psychological issues. So the past few weeks have been a complete mess, and for the first time in years I am actually considering talking to my doctor about going back on medication (which I hate).
Oh yeah, they can’t do that because they lost my diagnosis.
But that’s another story.
