I finally received a letter on the back of my mental health assessment months ago. I have been referred to a clinical psychologist, and not the same person that I was previously told. I have to phone in to arrange an appointment, which will still be weeks away.
But it has been so long since my original assessment that I don’t feel I need the help I needed then. I am doing a lot better, a lot more stable and a lot more life in me than I had (helped considerably by the physical work I am doing for my job in the canteen). I even came off my medication for a while and if anything I have been feeling a little better (probably psycho-somatic). Plus where I have been referred is one of the places I have applied to for a placement, so there are issues there. There is also a childish part of me that is saying “you weren’t there when I asked, I don’t want you now!” But as my girlfriend pointed out, no matter how I feel now that might all change again once winter hits.I don’t know what to do!
As I mentioned, I am working now. Three-hour shifts in the university canteen, serving and wash up for all the visiting language school students we have over summer. It is hard work, a three hour shift is enough to have me sweating profusely and quite sore! But I am taking on every shift I can because right now I am worried sick about money! Also the extra exercise (including occasionally walking to / from work) is doing me good. Even though the shifts wear me out, I feel like I have a lot more energy overall at the moment.
This is also all helping as I am trying to lose some weight again. This time I am not going for the overload approach I have in the past, but I am going to do it gradually and sustainably. So more exercise, which I am getting, and being a little different with my food. Maybe taking a fruit muffin instead of a chocolate donut, two slices of toast instead of four. Small changes that I can build on.
My volunteering is going well, and right now I am on my way to my third training session for my NVQ. On Wednesday I helped with the member’s BBQ which was lots of fun, and next Friday I will be going to training for ReSync, a BeatBullying online mentoring programme which I am joining up with.
I am still struggling to find a placement. I have written to a number of local mental health teams including at the hospital, the early intervention in psychosis teams, and even a forensic secure ward! No one has got back to me yet and I am getting really worried although I know I can do my volunteering as a back-up if all else fails!
Aside from that I am reading lots about Transactional Analysis in preparation for the article I will be writing for the Brunel Psychology Society magazine, much to my girlfriend’s chagrin. It is a model that, I believe, makes some more complicated elements of psycho-dynamic therapy much more accessible to the “layman”. I won’t talk any more about it here, you will have to wait for my article!
On a final note, I have finally been able to send off a copy of my mother’s death certificate to the social services where I grew up, so in the next couple of months I should be receiving a full set of not only my own notes, but my mother’s also. I am hoping that having a view on my childhood and my mother that is more in touch with reality may help me, and give me the full story. I am also aware that it could be very difficult for me, depending on what is in the files. All I can do now is wait and mentally prepare myself.
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