This one has been doing the rounds for many years now (I first heard it on the radio in Austria about fifteen years ago!), but it’s such a classic it bears repeating
Mental health hotline:
If you are Obsessive/Compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-Dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities: Press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid: We know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.
If you are Delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother ship.
If you are Schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Depressive: It doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer you.
If you have a Short-Term Memory Loss: Please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem: Hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.